In the Fall of 2007, I attempted several times to end my life. I was going through a horrible relationship breakup at the time. That alone really brought a lot of confusion in my life as I tried to move forward without having her as part of my plans anymore. We dated for three years. She was away that summer in my home state of SC doing her internship at a church while I was back in VA. We spent the entire summer separate from each other but stayed in contact through phone and emails every day. I remember everything was going great. It wasn't that hard for either of us being apart that long. I knew while I was working full-time, the summer would fly by quickly and I would see her once Fall semester began and she would finish her senior year. When I wasn’t working, I spent my free time saving up and searching for the perfect engagement ring. As summer came to an end, I was still unable to find the ring that caught my eye but I knew it would happen before she graduated. Unfortunately, upon her arrival for Fall semester, she decided to break things off. There were a lot of unanswered questions. I was devastated. I didn't really understand what was going on and why this came out of nowhere. It wasn’t until a short time that passed when I realized there was some deception going on. There were things she was doing behind my back that eventually came to surface once I confronted her with the evidence. She was cheating on me with with someone else while doing her summer internship. I can't really be angry at the guy because he had no clue she was dating someone at the time. Even through all of that, the single thing that tore my heart out of my chest and left me feeling betrayed was when we she looked into my eyes and told that she knew within the first year of our three relationship that she didn't want to be with me. Too make a long story short, she was engaged five months later to someone who, unfortunately, was not me. They married several months later and that chapter of my life was officially closed. In the end, I lost mutual friends who refused to accept the truth of the kind of person my ex was.
Apart from my mom’s sudden passing on September 13, 2010, that breakup I think was the most devastating and spiritually challenging period in my life as a Christian. I accepted Jesus Christ at the age of 15. Eleven years later my faith is put to the test and I failed miserably. I remember spending a week in my bed one time and I all I could do was sleep. I would sleep and sleep and hope that I could never wake up. I went so long with no food or fluids. I was purposely trying to starve and dehydrate myself hoping that if I could just die and leave this Earth, the pain would be gone and I'd be with Jesus in heaven forever. There was a time when I tried to overdose of painkillers and I think I had taken 30 pills. The next two days I spent vomiting my insides out as my body began to reject it. I was shocked I didn’t die from that or severely destroyed my liver. I thought to myself, so many people, celebrities, and musicians die from drug overdose, why haven't I? I actually asked myself that. I would sit at the computer looking at internet information of different methods to commit suicide. All the while, my mom would call and check on me to see how I'm doing and of course I would lie and put on the happy face and pretend that everything is going great. Deep down inside I felt dead and hopeless over losing someone I loved dearly and wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I can remember my final attempt was swallowing a bunch of sleeping pills. That was an unusual experience for me because I really began feeling the effects of that. I remember becoming extremely dizzy. My heart was beating so hard. I was laying on my bed and felt my entire body shake with every heartbeat. My muscles felt like rubber. It took every ounce of strength just to try to lift my arm up. I thought to myself, "This is it". There's no turning back. As dark as it may sound, I wanted it. I was ready for everything to vanish. I knew if I were in heaven, then I would be away from all the pain and drama on Earth. I remember slowly drifting to sleep and everything started getting quiet. I found myself waking up the next morning. I was in shock that I was still here because I didn't want to be. It was at that moment when I began to see that God was in control and protecting me and giving me this amazing grace of life that I stubbornly didn't deserve.
I went to Wednesday night church service that week and God really spoke to my heart through the message. The message dealt with forgiveness and God’s grace allowing us to overcome failures in life. I rode around in my car all night broken and ashamed of everything that I was doing to myself. I remember telling God that I was broken and humbled and desperately in need of grace in my life. I needed strength not only to forgive those who I felt wronged me but also to forgive myself. I can't say it was instantaneous. It was a process. It was a long process for me to move forward in showing forgiveness and accepting it. I realized that the forgiveness was for myself because I couldn't be set free until I was able to do it for myself. Three years later I'm a walking testimony of God's grace and healing. I’m at a place in my life where I’m completely satisfied in Jesus Christ alone. Looking back at all the other stuff has now become so miniscule. I know I’m not perfect. I still struggle with it from time to time. The occasional “What if?” arises at times. I’ve always hated the cliché that “time heals all wounds”. Time doesn't heal wounds. Jesus does. The remnants of the wounds, the scars, are still there. The memories are still there. However, I choose to place my focus on Jesus Christ every day and not my scars or the old memories of the past. He's the author and finisher of my faith. It's all about Him and not about me. I love Christ even more today for not letting go of me. I often think of Romans 8:38-39 where Paul reminds the believer that nothing can separate us from Christ’s love. I am DeMarcus Sullivan and I am second.
Apart from my mom’s sudden passing on September 13, 2010, that breakup I think was the most devastating and spiritually challenging period in my life as a Christian. I accepted Jesus Christ at the age of 15. Eleven years later my faith is put to the test and I failed miserably. I remember spending a week in my bed one time and I all I could do was sleep. I would sleep and sleep and hope that I could never wake up. I went so long with no food or fluids. I was purposely trying to starve and dehydrate myself hoping that if I could just die and leave this Earth, the pain would be gone and I'd be with Jesus in heaven forever. There was a time when I tried to overdose of painkillers and I think I had taken 30 pills. The next two days I spent vomiting my insides out as my body began to reject it. I was shocked I didn’t die from that or severely destroyed my liver. I thought to myself, so many people, celebrities, and musicians die from drug overdose, why haven't I? I actually asked myself that. I would sit at the computer looking at internet information of different methods to commit suicide. All the while, my mom would call and check on me to see how I'm doing and of course I would lie and put on the happy face and pretend that everything is going great. Deep down inside I felt dead and hopeless over losing someone I loved dearly and wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I can remember my final attempt was swallowing a bunch of sleeping pills. That was an unusual experience for me because I really began feeling the effects of that. I remember becoming extremely dizzy. My heart was beating so hard. I was laying on my bed and felt my entire body shake with every heartbeat. My muscles felt like rubber. It took every ounce of strength just to try to lift my arm up. I thought to myself, "This is it". There's no turning back. As dark as it may sound, I wanted it. I was ready for everything to vanish. I knew if I were in heaven, then I would be away from all the pain and drama on Earth. I remember slowly drifting to sleep and everything started getting quiet. I found myself waking up the next morning. I was in shock that I was still here because I didn't want to be. It was at that moment when I began to see that God was in control and protecting me and giving me this amazing grace of life that I stubbornly didn't deserve.
I went to Wednesday night church service that week and God really spoke to my heart through the message. The message dealt with forgiveness and God’s grace allowing us to overcome failures in life. I rode around in my car all night broken and ashamed of everything that I was doing to myself. I remember telling God that I was broken and humbled and desperately in need of grace in my life. I needed strength not only to forgive those who I felt wronged me but also to forgive myself. I can't say it was instantaneous. It was a process. It was a long process for me to move forward in showing forgiveness and accepting it. I realized that the forgiveness was for myself because I couldn't be set free until I was able to do it for myself. Three years later I'm a walking testimony of God's grace and healing. I’m at a place in my life where I’m completely satisfied in Jesus Christ alone. Looking back at all the other stuff has now become so miniscule. I know I’m not perfect. I still struggle with it from time to time. The occasional “What if?” arises at times. I’ve always hated the cliché that “time heals all wounds”. Time doesn't heal wounds. Jesus does. The remnants of the wounds, the scars, are still there. The memories are still there. However, I choose to place my focus on Jesus Christ every day and not my scars or the old memories of the past. He's the author and finisher of my faith. It's all about Him and not about me. I love Christ even more today for not letting go of me. I often think of Romans 8:38-39 where Paul reminds the believer that nothing can separate us from Christ’s love. I am DeMarcus Sullivan and I am second.